had I known how to save a life

I am writing this in the instance of finding myself on the brink of some dangerous memories that have been reawakened in me. One of my friends lost a patient today, more specifically she lost a baby on the operation table today. Being in the healthcare profession and surrounded by friends in the medical field this is a situation that always hits very close to home.

 

I have lost patients in the past, patients under my care, patients we tried to resuscitate for hours before we gave up. Going through med-school really does change you in many ways and definitely adds a sliver of maturity to most students if not all. However, nothing, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING prepares you for death- the loss of someone in your care. One doesn't realise when it happens but through our years in med school- we end up believing or at least hoping that no one dies under our watch. We start to think that as long as we are meticulous and dedicated enough that we can save them all. I don’t want to get into the argument of whether this can be defined as a God complex or not- that is a discussion for another day. The only thing I know for sure is that, this train of belief comes to a jarring halt when we give it all we have got and still end up losing a patient. Not to mention this tends to shock you with the same magnitude every single time it happens.

 

          The overwhelming emotions that engulf you ever time you lose a patient never change. Sure, you become better at navigating yourself through them but the first time it happens- it truly destroys you to say the least. So, when I read my friend’s devastated texts- safe to say I felt her pain to a certain extent. It is bad enough to deal with failure when it affects your own life alone. Imagine having to walk away from the physical evidence of your failure to face the relatives of the patients and tell them that their life is never going to be the same, they will never see their baby again. It is downright terrifying but something you must endure. No matter how many humanities and human ethics lectures you attend- you are totally unprepared for it when you have to walk to the person and utter the words- ‘We did everything we could, I am sorry we couldn’t save him/her…’ The strength your defeated soul has to draw from your weary self is worth applauding. This brings us to the important question- would a doctor perform better if he did not feel? Are all doctors trained in emotionlessness over time?

         

          While there is no right answer to this, over the years I have come to believe that stoicism may be an answer to this. Stoicism is easier said than practiced. Not to mention, stoicism makes one seem withdrawn in social settings- lending the illusion of emotionlessness. However, this situation always has me ruminating on a couple of lines by Paulo Coelho, from The story of the pencil. It is a seemingly simple conversation between a grandmother and her grandson where she explains that the way to be at peace with the world is to hang on to the qualities of the pencil. The five qualities of the pencil are as below:

 

‘First quality: you are capable of great things, but you must never forget that there is a hand guiding your steps. We call that hand God, and He always guides us according to His will.

Second quality: now and then, I have to stop writing and use a sharpner. That makes the pencil suffer a little, but afterwards, he’s much sharper. So you, too, must learn to bear certain pains and sorrows, because they will make you a better person.

Third quality: the pencil always allows us to use an eraser to rub out any mistakes. This means that correcting something we did is not necessarily a bad thing; it helps to keep us on the road to justice.

Fourth quality: what really matters in a pencil is not its wooden exterior, but the graphite inside. So always pay attention to what is happening inside you.

Finally, the pencil’s fifth quality: it always leaves a mark. in just the same way, you should know that everything you do in life will leave a mark, so try to be conscious of that in your every action'

(Source: https://paulocoelhoblog.com/2009/12/19/the-story-of-the-pencil/)

 

I believe it is essential for a doctor to process their emotions so that they can learn from it and rise above it. To see the most humbling, underlying message in this situation is that there is something greater than us- individually that orchestrates everything. You can call it God or the spiritual energies of the universe. In the end, all we can really do is do our best to leave the world a better place than we found it. Life is but a series of events from life to death- some live longer than the rest, that’s all. It’s everyone’s personal quest that we as mere humans have no control over. Sure we lose people sometimes but the choice is simple- you can either remain stuck in this room of life and mourn that loss forever or take the failure in stride and put your pieces back together and go back to battle to heed those who can still be helped.

 

Let me know in the comments whether you have dealt with something similar? If yes, how did you deal with it? Feel free to vent below if you need to. Remember that this doesn’t define you and your whole life as a healthcare professional but remember that you can’t win them all, but you can pretty darn well go down in battle trying your very best!

 

Until next time peeps!

Take care and be kind! 😊